To me the peace testimony is intensely personal. It's not about refusing to fight in the war, or refusing to drop bombs on little children, although that springs from it and seems obvious once the harder work inside us is done. We renounce violence in all its forms. This starts with the violence in our hearts, the desire to hurt or kill those who have wronged us. It natural to feel this kind of anger, the need to get someone back.

In rural Illinois it's common for young people to say something like "I'm gonna kick his a--" - they say it mostly to their friends and mostly about people who they have perceived as having wronged them. Growing up in this environment, with media as a guide, vengeance and violence are normal everyday expressions of powerlessness, trying to make sense of the world around them. Kids at 17-21 are under enormous pressure - to get a job, to make it, to get a mate, to provide for their friends. Loyalty to their friends is very important.

The problem is, putting those words out there make it much more likely to happen. Let's say one kid has said that about another, and this already happened to a friend of our son's. The other knows this, of course, sees him, and says, come and get me. He even walks up to him. The fight is inevitable. The violence becomes real. Someone gets hurt. Often, one or both get killed or thrown in prison.

The question of "who started it" can by answered by the violence in the heart. If you put the word out, and said you were going to kick his a--, then you pretty much have to try when you see him. You started it. Intent to hurt comes first. Telling everyone you will do it makes it inevitable; now you can't back down. Somebody's going to get hurt or die.

All this talk about bulking up is just hooey. Yes you get strong enough so that when you fight, you have a chance. Yes you arm yourself so that if he's armed, you're armed too. But that's all fronting and will not win you anything. When it's over, you'll be in prison if you're lucky, dead if you're not. You'll have to kill people in prison too just to keep them off you at night. After you've killed a few you wonder where did it start - it started with the violence in your heart. It started the minute you said "I'm gonna kick his a--" - you want to not go down that road, start there. And don't go down that road.

We had an incident recently. Fortunately everyone lived, no police involved. I ended up committed to better Quaker education for my son and his friends. They're saying, oh we were parked nearby, we weren't trying to cause any trouble. No, you put out a hit, you said you were going do violence. You by virtue of bringing that threat with you were bringing violence over to our house and yes it was realized. You are lucky to be free and alive. If you keep using violence you will create more violence.

My son really needs the better Quaker education, though he was not the one who was involved in the fracas. He like others find talking big and talking violent is their only tool against things and people that they feel have wronged them. His idea of Quakerism is that I am trying to prevent him from doing what he has every right to do, making threats and verbally being abusive enough so that people are "respecting" him. The problem is that a death threat is very important, noticed by the law, punishable, a very tangible piece of evidence establishing intent. Violent threats are intent. They put violence into the world.

If religion can't help us with this, what good is it?